Leap of Faith

This post is just one of those--get it off your chest kind of post. Everyone wants to talk to me about how hard it is to send your child to college, which is true. And I know they are trying to help and it isn't that I don't appreciate it. But this time, it is different. And no one realizes that. Not that they should, but it is really hard to have the conversation when there is so much more to it. I sent Maryn off, so I know the difference. I wish it was as like before.This time, it is different because of the special set of circumstances that brought us here, which we have kept private, on purpose. So I need to write.

Yesterday, I took the biggest leap of faith...I think in my life. I stepped out of the comfortable light into the dark unknown. I let go of the branch that I was clinging to and trusted in that voice that said "let go"(--from another blog post http://ordinarymomentsextraordinarylife.blogspot.com/2010/05/hanging-on-or-letting-go.html).

I know it was the right thing to do, because I was able to do it. It was HARD yet, I for the most part I feel peace. I hardly shed any tears. I shed more tears when I would think about this day and tried to imagine doing it. I only cry when I let the doubts, the uninvited thoughts, stay too long and get comfortable. Then I cry and say a prayer. No, I plead with my Heavenly Father to help me replace my doubts with faith and feel peace again. And then I dry my tears, and find something to do!

I think back on that post from Hawaii and it was a preparation for yesterday and these days ahead as we let Kelsey...go. As we let her really choose, sink or swim, find her path. And I know how this sounds. Like an overprotective mom. But this was different--this year has been different. The story is not mine, so I won't share the details. But this has been the most difficult time for us--in a very long time.

It is like we have been on a trip. It was a totally unexpected trip and heaven knows we didn't want to go. We never imagined ever making this kind of trip, but there we were.There was no choice. The only way possible was to take the trip. The road we have been on has been long, and hard, dusty and dirty and bumpy and mostly uphill. But we made it. And because of it I am changed forever. And I know we found the right place, I just didn't know that it would be this place, where she goes on ahead and we wait here. That is all we get to do now. Assure her of our love and that we will not move. We WILL BE HERE, waiting. And we know she may not choose the right paths, if we aren't there to point them out to her--that is the reality. That is what is so scary. But. We know she can do it. If we had any concerns about her ability to do it, we wouldn't even be attempting this. Our journey down the road together wouldn't be over yet. I know that. We all know that it is the right thing for her to prove herself--to herself and to God. We really have nothing to do with it, she doesn't have to prove anything to us. And that is the point I guess. That is what we learned through this experience. We can't do "it" for her. I wish it could have been more gradual. This was so abrupt, like a slap in the face to wake you up. I am not sure there will ever come a time when I will say that given the choice, I would do it this way again. I am not grateful for this challenge we have had. It wasn't necessary. But I am grateful that it didn't break us, and that we have been able to learn from it. Because of this I know that we can rely on the atonement and prayer to help us with the deepest pain. I also know that when we don't choose the right path, we get a chance to try again. I know that if Kelsey will rely on the Lord and His atonement she will soar, fly, swim whatever it is she will be able to do it--anything and everything.

Relying on the Lord and His Atonement is the only thing that got us to where we are now. And the ONLY way I was able to take this leap. Without that knowledge, this would feel impossible. And instead I feel hope. I hope for the best, but if that doesn't happen, than I know we will try again... and again...if that is what it takes. Because of the atonement we will be able to try again.