Perspective

Wow, what a weekend. It was a great way to keep my mind occupied. But it was actually even better than that. I saw a miracle performed, for me, and that reminds me that God loves me. He answers prayers and he will eventually answer the one that is for my daughter, because he loves her too.

I took some of these entries out, then I put them back in, then back out again--really just trying to hard to figure out what was going to be taken the wrong way or misinterpreted. Basically, caring too much about what other people think. My husband voted to put them all in, saying that it was me and that was okay. He likes the idea of this blog, that we make it into a book to keep. And he wants me to put the posts in where I think a lot and even the ones where I talk about the things that hurt. He says there is more happy things and there is benefit in recording how you come out of the sad times. So after much thought I decided to put them back in. After all, this blog is really for me and him. I don't want to worry about what others think, in that negative way. I want to be finished with apologizing for who I am. I hope I am strong enough to stick to it.

Sometimes I wonder if when I write, it seems like I think that I AM what I write, when most of the time I am writing about ideals and what I want to be like someday. When I study the scriptures or the words of the prophet and apostles, I always see the ways that Heavenly Father wants me to improve and that is what I write about. It helps me to write out the thoughts that I have and I hope it is helpful to my children or my grandchildren as they try to figure out who they are and who they aspire to be.

I know that I am not perfect. I wish I was a better person than I am. But that is what this life is for, working on being a better person. That is true for everyone. And although I know I am not perfect, I am still worth something. I try to do my best and there are times when I just barely get by. But even then, in that survival mode, I am trying my best. I look back and wish I had done things differently, but that is only helpful for the future. You can't change the past, but hopefully you can learn from it. Sometimes I feel like I do learn and others times I see the same lesson being repeated. And most of the time it is pride getting in the way. While talking things over with my husband, I said something that helped me to really see, to discover a belief that is holding me back in one certain area. I said that I was hanging on to some hurts because if I let go of them than "they" will think they are right, that I am at fault, the one with issues, when I think there is issues on the other side as well. It is like I want my day in court, to share my side of the story and maybe, just maybe, the blame won't be laid only at my feet.  And when I said it, and write it now, I can see that this is only hurting me to not let go. There is after all, only one person that I can change. I am not sure how to let go, once and for all. And I am sure I will make some more mistakes as I try to figure it out.

But...the one thing in all of this I can't forget is that I know God loves me. He must because he answers my prayers and comforts me when I hurt, even when I wonder if I am being "silly". And he shows me my weaknesses and promises to help me make them into strengths. He gave his Son so that change is possible. He also gave me talents and lets me use them.

I am a work in progress and He loves me enough to let me keep working.