Weak Moment

Motherhood. It brings the greatest joy and the deepest sorrow.

Sometimes I think I want to go back and try again, other times I think I can't stand the pain of it all again.

I really tried, and I read and studied and prayed, and somehow...

And right now, I feel like a failure. It makes perfect sense to me why I only have two.

God knew. He always does.

I know. It seems dramatic. And I know there are mothers out there with problems bigger than mine. That just makes me weak I guess, because, my heart is breaking.

Editor's note:

I wrote that when the sting was all I could feel. And while it was the truth, I have a better attitude now. But I thought I should add more as an...explanation? to fill in some of the history. I share this now because I want this to help my girls. I think that is an important part of this whole thing. I want them to know that they too will learn and grow as they face their toughest times and I don't want them to think that they are alone in the feelings they feel.

The hardest part of infertility for me was the doubts it created about God's feelings toward me. I wondered and doubted if I was worthy of His love and if He didn't I would be a good mother. When hard things occur with my girls, those "old" doubts creep back in. I say old because sometimes, I really think I am finally okay and then there are these times when I wonder if I will ever be over it. Others would by now right?

There are some things I am so much better at. I can truly rejoice when babies are born and hold them and love them. Mother's day is even okay. There are some things that still push my buttons, sometimes. Not even all the time, which is improvement! I have learned two things more recently that I hope will help me see the direction I need to take to keep improving. Number 1--it is harder with my family and number 2--it is harder because of my expectations. I don't expect others to know what has gone on in my past and to care about what might hurt me. I don't even worry about what people think about only two children. I used to. But I have been holding my family up to a different expectation and I have given them two options. They either don't care or they think I am lame because I am still having trouble with this "old" trial. I wonder if they will be off the hook when I let myself off the hook for that one?!!!

One thing I know and this is not new, it is the same for everyone: I learned a long time ago that this was going to be my best teacher. I also recognize that since I still hurt, there are lessons that I obviously haven't learned...yet. I actually spend some time in the best part of all of this, the part where I am grateful for the lessons I have learned.

I know that as I work through the doubts, I have been able to change them to belief. I know now, better than when I started, that Heavenly Father does love me. I truly believe that the doubts that creep in now, will end up with the same fate and one day I will doubt no more.